How I Learned To Be OK With The Fact I’ve Never Had Sex As A 20-Something

Okay disclaimer, I am just about to turn 20. Nonetheless, I’m willing to consider that I’m a 20-something. And a virgin.

To be honest, I don’t consider my virginity as definitive at all. In fact, I don’t really consider it anything other than a fact about me. I have blonde hair; I have blue eyes. I’ve never travelled outside of my home country; I’ve never eaten ribs. I’ve never had sex. So what?

Society seems to have formed this idea that being a virgin is bad and that it’s something to be ashamed of. But, when you stop and think about it, how does my experience, or lack thereof, affect anyone else?

I was once seeing someone who I was very open and honest with about my virgin status. Looking back on it now, I probably should have flagged how hot under the belt this made him. Just to confirm, I am not a virgin for religious reasons, nor am I waiting for “the one” or anything like that. I’ve simply just never been in a position where sex was an opportunity.

When I was seeing said guy, he talked about sex (and us having sex) a lot. In the beginning, it made me really uncomfortable but I grew to kind of like it. He’d ask me what I think I’d like, where I wanted to lose it, who I wanted to lose it to. As a borderline twenty-something, you’d think I would have already thought about this. Well, plot twist – I hadn’t. He made me feel safe and he genuinely heard my concerns and fears. Part of me thought this was it.

We went on a few dates and surprise, surprise when he came over and we didn’t have sex, we never spoke again. Classic ghost and total f*cking dick if you ask me.

For a little while after, I began to question what virginity meant to me. I went through a stage of thinking I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t pretty enough, I wasn’t flirty enough. One of my friends even said I was a tease. That really shocked me considering I’ve only ever made out with one guy. How am I a tease if a) I have no desire and b) A guy only has to brush past me in a club to make me nervous and cower.

I went through another phase of deep self reflection. What did sleeping with someone mean to me? What did I think of myself? Why was I so scared to take off my clothes? Why have I never felt a desire to be with someone intimately?

What was it about intimacy that was defining me?

I talked about this with friends, and with my therapist a lot. I thanked my deep rooted ‘daddy issues’ for my inability to feel sexual attraction and my lack of positive male role models in shaping my views on relationships and in particular, sex.

I’d grew up only hearing stories of how drunk girls got at parties and how many guys they’d hooked up with. I saw photos of people from my school having sex at parties and sat as friends cried and cried over guys they’d slept with and never heard from again.

What I never heard was my friends talk about intimacy as love or passion or connection. I never heard them say how nice it was to stay the night with someone, to watch movies and feel warm in their embrace.

Never once has the idea of drunk sex or one night stands or friends with benefits ever appealed to me. And you know what, that’s fine by me.

Maybe I am waiting for the right person; someone I trust, someone I feel comfortable with. But for now, I’m just being a 20-something who happens to be a virgin, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

My advice to fellow virgin 20-somethings? Don’t let this define you. Honestly, it just isn’t worth it. And, if you’re that worried about it – fake it until you make it, hun (but try to prepare to avoid any awkwardness when your hymen breaks and you bleed all over your man who thought you were a total minx before him).

This post has been published on Elite Daily. See here.

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